For the Love of men
I’ve been a practicing Life Coach for nearly two decades. In that time, half if not more of my clients have been men. Young men, married men, single men, gay men, straight men, and many of them have been middle aged men. Some years ago, a friend of mine, a Life Coach herself, asked me what it was like to have male clients.
“Is that strange?” I asked her.
“Yes!” she emphatically replied.
It never occurred to me until that moment that having men on my client roster was unusual. Maybe it’s because I am a boy mom, having raised three now young adult men. Or perhaps it is because I am one of those gals who has always hung out with the guys. Whatever the reason, it is still true today, most of my clients are men, many of them middle aged men who are successful by all accounts.
These men who, perhaps not coincidentally, have a particularly difficult time asking for help and seeking support. Navigating the shame that inevitably pops up its ugly head is a maze few of these guys find their way out of. This shame says, “Dude, WTF is wrong with you? Look at your life, you’ve ‘made it’ what do you have to complain about? What will people think?”
Lots of us who find ourselves in this lovely thing called middle age, were encouraged, uh shamed rather, not to complain - think of the starving children in the world - look at how lucky you are - what do you have to complain about – you don’t know what real problems even are!
Here’s a Pearl of Wisdom for you: Behind every complaint is an unspoken desire.
Shame is a motherfucker no matter your gender, age, or level of success. I do believe there is a particularly insidious kind of shame the ‘successful man’ who has ‘made it’ feels. The man who thinks he has no right to feel sad, angry, confused, depressed even, or deeply unsatisfied, let alone lonely or afraid. This shame seems to lock him in a room without doors or windows, a voice shouting on repeat “DO NOT ASK FOR HELP LOOSER!!!”
If they are very lucky, these men have a buddy, maybe a golf buddy, an old college or high school buddy, or a work buddy, who they confide in, even just a little, or who can sense their discontentedness, and says, “hey man you okay?” And maybe, just maybe, this buddy has also been in that windowless room and has found a way out.
This is precisely how most of my clients come to me, by referral from a friend who has found their way onto my client roster. But even if they trust their buddy and know deep in their bones that they need help - want it even, it takes some of them months to reach out to me. Sadly, I wonder how many of them never do. The ones who do, are deeply and profoundly grateful and relief is swift and sweet.
“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Your coaching changed my life greatly! Having you enter my life was the best thing to happen to me since my kids were born. — Tom
Here's what these men have in common: for 20 years or more they have had their heads down focused on work and career, paying the bills, growing a 401K, diversifying their assets, raising a family, keeping their spouse and kids happy and thriving. They find something they are good at, matters little if they enjoy it, and it works like 1+1=2. Just keep working the formula and it will all be okay. But it doesn’t feel okay, they don’t feel okay, and the part of them that is suffering is getting louder and more difficult to ignore.
So, what happens around middle age for these guys? Something, some semi-predictable, but somehow not anticipated, life event comes along and suddenly they are face-to-face with their worth. Not their monetary worth, that they are generally good with, their self-worth, however, is likely a totally different story.
Maybe that life event is looming retirement, maybe it is an empty nest - suddenly they are alone with their spouse for the first time in 20 or so years, maybe their spouse is struggling with perimenopause, maybe their facing the aging of their parents, or their spouses’ parents. Maybe they notice they can no longer produce at the same rate they did in their late 20’s or early 30’s, their energy, drive and desire is shrinking. And all of these semi-predictable, normal even, life events have one thing in common, one thing we will all face: our own mortality. Is this as simple as the proverbial mid-life crisis? Maybe. But and also, there is nothing simple about it.
I have written before about the danger of the societal norm of hyper-independence and secrecy. The slow cancer of the ‘what happens in this house stays in this house’ way of living. I have spoken with countless women, friends and clients alike, who have men in their life who will not seek out coaching or therapy or counsel of any kind because, “I don’t want a stranger knowing my business.” Quite simply, it is costing them their lives.
It's early July 2025 as I write this. In the past couple of months alone, I have heard of a half dozen ‘successful’ middle aged men, friends of friends, committing suicide. Suicide numbers are growing particularly in the middle-aged male demographic. I have worked with enough men in this category to truly say that I get it. I get it and it is heartbreaking and unnecessary.
“Recent data indicates around 80 percent of suicides in the United States are completed by men, and men between the ages of 50-59 have had a near 50 percent increase in suicides in recent years. Unemployment, relationship difficulties, social isolation, loss of a loved one and other life transitions are just a few of the factors that increase suicide risk among middle-aged men. Compounding the risk is the fact that this population has historically been reluctant to seek help.” – National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention
How do we normalize this difficult phase of life? How do we remove the shame, the stigma, how do we help these men, and all of us really, have hope and find a way out of the windowless doorless room?
Once upon a time, we humans lived in multi-generational groups. Call them a tribe or a clan, call them whatever you want, as people we relied on each other, we needed each other, we helped each other, we knew each other, we lent a helping hand, we witnessed one another’s lives, we were privy to other family’s life cycles, birth, death, illness, hardship. Wise Women and Medicine Men were an integral part of life. Help was available, fluid, necessary, and accepted. Even the mythical King Arthur had mighty Merlin. Men and women, I believe, far more easily and often reached out for help. Whether or not there was shame in accepting help I cannot speak to, but I’d be willing to bet it was nothing like the seemingly insurmountable shame many of us, and especially these particular men, experience.
If you are one of these men, if you know one of these men, if you Love one of these men…help is here. Right here as a matter of fact. A complementary one-on-one session with me is available and waiting for you. I know it takes courage to make the first call. I know how hard that feels. Once you do though, things will begin to get better.
“Tracey Lee is a brilliant and talented woman. She has coached me into a whole new level of existence. Her manner is direct and Loving, firm and contributory. She has a knack for hearing. Somehow exactly what I have needed to hear flows out of her mouth. I am clear that her gift flows through her not from her.”
— Brian“Tracey Lee is so intuitive and centered in Spirit, she seems to know exactly what I need. She has been the best coach I have ever had.” — Robert
“Tracey Lee embodies the energy and joy of Love and shares it fearlessly. She cuts through the BS and unapologetically insists that you recognize the beauty that lives inside you. It’s there. She sees you, hears you, Loves you, and shines a light into your being so that you can see it too. Her warmth and Love emanate from her in a gooey, warm hug that you can even feel through a phone call or a video chat. I Love her and am beginning to Love me too. What’s more, I Love telling my friends that I know a living, breathing Master of Love!!!” – Joe
With deep Love & Gratitude,
Tracey Lee
Contact info:
Tracey@TraceyLee.Love
https://www.traceylee.love/contact-us
